


rogue planets

by daybr3aks



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: AND HOMOPHOBIA OK SO DONT READ IF YOURE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT HHHHHH, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, MENTIONS OF ATTEMPTED SELF HARM, idek anymore this whole fic is a mess, im not proud of this rip, it's supposedly a drabble but it ended upto more than 6k fuck, jinyoung's a mess but daehwi loves him, there's fluff if you squint i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-02-02 22:15:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12735378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daybr3aks/pseuds/daybr3aks
Summary: (n.) lonely worlds without a star to call home. They don’t orbit around a star so they simply float endlessly in an empty abyss.Daehwi keeps Jinyoung grounded.





	rogue planets

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be jinyoung and daehwi's storyline in the Beautiful MV but i don't know what the fuck happened to this one R I P

❊

Jinyoung first met him when he was ten.

He remembers crying a lot, his eyes rimmed with tears that he could barely comprehend what was happening as his small hand was being pulled softly towards the entrance. He was scared, and scarred, and lost, but the moment the priest, who had picked him up by the wreck and the ashes where his house once stood, opened the large double doors of the cathedral, he was greeted by warmth and welcomeness and the feeling of a home, a feeling he never thought he’d be able to encounter ever again. All of that wrapped up in the one big smile on the face of the boy who stood in front of him.

He beams at Jinyoung, with eyes that seem to hold the stars and the cosmos as they lit up and twinkle under the morning light that passes through the large glass windows of the cathedral, and Jinyoung can’t help but stare in awe.

With that smile, Jinyoung no longer felt scared. With that smile alone, Jinyoung felt like he had been lost for so long and finally found.

“Father, who’s that?” he hears someone say from behind the boy, and Jinyoung only notices then that the boy wasn’t alone. Four boys, who look like they were just about his age too, make their way towards them in a single line and let out train sounds while laughing as they place their hands on the shoulders of the ones in front of them.

“Oh, kids,” The priest greets the boys whose curious eyes wander over Jinyoung from top to bottom. “We have a new addition to the family. Come on now, introduce yourself to them,” he says as he gently pats Jinyoung in the back.

Jinyoung has always been wary of strangers. His parents and their friends would call him a quiet child, different from the rest as he would usually just sit by the swing alone and observe all the other kids who were running around the playground. They’d ask him what’s up, but all he’d do was nod.

So when the priest taps him by the shoulder again, Jinyoung hides behind him and latches onto the hem of his top while shaking his head.

“Oh, seems like little Jinyoung here is shy,” the priest chuckles. “What about you kids introduce yourselves to him then? It would be great if you guys get along.”

“Sure! Me first,” the boy who had smiled at him volunteers as he giddily raises both his arms. He turns his gaze back on Jinyoung and gives another ear-to-ear grin. “Hello there! My name is Daehwi, Lee Daehwi. I’m nine years old, but I was born early in the year so I’m in fourth grade now. Let’s be friends, Jinyoung!”

Jinyoung stares at the hand outstretched in front of him. He knows Daehwi was asking him to shake his hand. He knows Daehwi was waiting for him to give back a greeting too, or a nod, or a smile, or a suitable response to his introduction, but when he looks up from his hand to Daehwi’s bright smiling face, he blanks out.

Instead of a ‘hello’, Jinyoung suddenly blurts out, “Pretty.”

There’s a short pause, the four boys blinking at him in confusion while Daehwi just stares. Jinyoung feels his ears burn and he doesn’t need a mirror to know how red they have gotten. He thinks he just messed up his chances of gaining friends in this orphanage that he’ll be staying in probably for the rest of his life, all because they’re gonna start thinking of him now as that one weird kid who called another boy _pretty_.

It catches him off-guard when Daehwi laughs and smiles at him again.

“Nobody has called me pretty before,” he tells him. “Thank you, Jinyoung.”

Jinyoung wants to call him pretty again. Jinyoung wants to call him beautiful, because he is. He’s only ten, and probably have a lot more to see in the world, but he knows Daehwi’s smile was one of the most beautiful out there. It reminds him of the sunflowers back in his grandmother’s place, and the green meadows that dance along to the wind, and the bright blue horizon that spreads above him on a summer morning. Jinyoung finds those beautiful, and if he thinks of those when he looks at Daehwi, then that means Daehwi is just as beautiful too.

“You guys introduce yourselves too!” Daehwi tells the four behind him, who probably only realize then that they have been quiet for quite a while now.

The tallest one speaks up first, eyes turning into crescents as he grins at Jinyoung. “Hello, Jinyoung. My name is Jisung. I’m the eldest here, fourteen this year. You can come to me anytime if you need any help.”

“I’m Minhyun, thirteen,” the boy beside him with sharp eyes introduces next, but the smile he gives Jinyoung is warm and friendly. “Jinyoung’s face is so small.”

“Minhyun-hyung, you can’t just say things like that!” Daehwi tells him, but when he turns to look at Jinyoung again, he quickly says, “Oh, you’re right. He does have a small face, like a bean!”

“See? He’s very handsome though. You can pass off as my brother!”

“Minhyun hyung, stop saying weird things. You’re scaring him.”

“I’m not saying weird things. It’s the truth!”

“Okay, whatever,” Jisung interferes. “Woojin, you’re next.”

“Hello, I’m Woojin! I’m eleven this year!” the boy with a snaggletooth says enthusiastically, as he pulls the smaller boy beside him who nearly trips on his feet. “And this is Jihoon! Don’t talk to him, he’s an idiot.”

“Ya! Who are you calling an idiot, you…you…poopface! Yeah, you poopface!” The boy, Jihoon, counters as he pushes Woojin to the side, the latter immediately complaining in reflex. Jihoon turns to Jinyoung, both of his front teeth missing when he beams at him. “Don’t believe Woojin. He got a two out of ten during our Math test. He shouldn’t be trusted.”

“That’s because you stole my pencil when I wasn’t looking!”

“No, I didn’t!”

“Yes, you did!”

“Alright, alright, that’s enough before one of you gets hurt. Again,” the priest says as he tries to get Woojin away from Jihoon before he lands a punch on his face, although by the looks of it, it seems like it has already happened quite a few times now. “The sisters are still preparing lunch, so why don’t you all go out to the playground first with Jinyoung? Show him around ‘til then.”

“Okay, Father!” Jisung answers.

The priest pats Jinyoung in the back before heading back towards the door where they had entered earlier. Jinyoung feels all five pairs of eyes on him the moment he’s out of the cathedral, and before he could even say anything, Daehwi takes his hand in his.

“Let’s go?” he tells him, the smile never disappearing.

The four boys walk ahead, while the two of them lag behind, with Daehwi pulling Jinyoung by the hand.

“Don’t let go of my hand, okay? You might get lost.”

Jinyoung nods and intertwines their fingers together. Daehwi chuckles and tightens his hold. He doesn’t let go of his hand even when they have reached the playground, or when Woojin suggested to play tag, or when Jihoon had wanted to play hide and seek.

Jinyoung doesn’t mind. Jinyoung doesn’t want him to.

 

 

(It takes Jinyoung awhile to adjust to the new environment, but he manages. He befriends the five boys in the orphanage immediately, Daehwi being the one he is closest too, and also the four more that follow him later in the year.

Sometimes, Jinyoung dreams of his parents. Sometimes, he’d be flooded with nightmares of the huge fire that had engulfed his home and had taken away his family from him. He would remember how his father had pushed him out of the way just to save him from getting crushed by burning wood, and how his mother went back inside the house even when it was already toppling down in flames just to go back to his little sister who he had forgotten to take along with him.

Jinyoung would cry in the middle of the night, a pillow on his face to muffle the sounds, but Daehwi always knows. Daehwi would always climb down from his side of the double-decker bed they both share and slides next to Jinyoung whenever he cries. He won’t say anything. He would simply snuggle close to him, arm on Jinyoung’s waist and face nuzzled on his shoulder, but Jinyoung has never felt any safer than in that moment.)

 

❊

 

Jinyoung felt something different when he was fourteen.

He stares at the blade on his hand, the silver metal glistening under the light from the small bulb that solely illuminates the bathroom. All he had to do was let that blade sink into his skin, not deep enough to kill him but painful enough to help him forget the bigger problems for a little while. A temporary pain to cover up a wound that would never heal, even if it's just for a moment.

He looks up from his hand and onto the mirror, his tired reflection staring right back at him. He laughs to himself.

The people in the church, in the orphanage, in school, all of them had called him handsome. They would tell him he's attractive, and ethereal, and breathtakingly beautiful. They would call him a prince because of his beautiful features.

But that's not who Jinyoung sees in the mirror.

The boy looking back at him wasn't a prince. No, Jinyoung was looking straight into dead, dark eyes— the eyes of a beast, of a _murderer_.

The voices of his relatives echo in his head, haunting him, suffocating him.

_"Jinyoung, you killed them."_

_No, I didn't_ , he mutters under his breath, his hands shaking.

_"It was you who had lit up that candle. It was you who had dropped it. It was you."_

_I didn't mean it._

_"Yet you're here, still alive, while they're six feet under the ground. You're alive while they're dead when it was your fault."_

"I'm sorry," Jinyoung breathes heavily, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Jinyoung hyung?" he hears a voice after a faint knock on the door, but it was enough to startle him and drop the small blade he was holding down the sink's drain.

Jinyoung only realizes then that he had been crying, his face damp and his eyes blinking tears that haven't dried up yet. He quickly turns on the faucet and splashes cold water against his tear-strained face before opening the door and coming face to face with the one boy who had become the reason he doesn't wanna end everything just yet.

"Daehwi," Jinyoung calls out softly.

Daehwi looks at him worriedly. Jinyoung catches the brief moment his eyes land on his wrists before turning his gaze back at him. "I heard a few of your relatives came today. Are they taking you with them? Are you leaving?"

He sees the fear and worry mixing in Daehwi's eyes, like he was afraid of watching Jinyoung go, of Jinyoung leaving him. There's a tingling kind of warmth that spreads across his chest, but he masks it with a soft chuckle as he musses Daehwi's hair.

"They don't want me, so don't worry. I'm not going anywhere."

It was true. His relatives had come to visit today, trying to check up on how he had been coping for the past four years, but the visit wasn’t warm or friendly or even just a little bit familial. They had looked at him like how anyone would at a criminal, a _monster_. The priest had asked them if they were adopting him since they’re _family_ anyway, but they reason out that they were leaving the country soon and it would be better if Jinyoung stayed instead.

Jinyoung tries to act indifferently, even when he knows they’re lying. They don’t even have enough money to send their children to college, what more for plane tickets to leave the country. They could’ve just told him they didn’t want him, that nobody would ever accept a murderer.

But a part of him is glad that they wouldn’t take him, because Jinyoung doesn’t want to leave.

If Daehwi wants him to stay, then he’ll stay.

Daehwi sighs in relief, before looking back at Jinyoung again with that same warm smile Jinyoung's never gonna get tired of. "I'm glad. I know it's selfish thinking, but I can't help but be happy that you're staying."

"Well, I would honestly be upset if you actually want me gone, so thank you for being selfish," Jinyoung smiles back.

"You should do that more often," Daehwi mutters, eyes locked on him as if he was on a daze.

Jinyoung blinks in confusion, "Do what more often?"

Daehwi cups his face with both of his hands, before placing his thumbs on the opposite corners of Jinyoung's lips and lifting them up. He laughs, "Smile often. You look the best when you're smiling, so it's a pity not to show it. You have such a beautiful smile, hyung."

Daehwi was here telling him his smile was beautiful, but all Jinyoung wants to do now was pull out a mirror and let him see how his was a whole lot more. He wants Daehwi to know how his smile could light up beyond a galaxy, and bring the sun to shame.

"You should see yourself," Jinyoung couldn't help but say.

"What?" Daehwi turns to him questioningly, but Jinyoung just smiles and shakes his head.

"It's nothing."

"Oh, okay," Daehwi says.

There's a short pause, none of them saying anything for a while, until Daehwi breaks it when he asks him hesitantly, "You’re okay, right?”

Jinyoung doesn’t say anything for a moment. He knows he’s not okay. He knows he’ll probably never be okay. There’s a deep wound somewhere inside him that wouldn’t close anytime soon, and if it did, it’s gonna leave a bruise, a big ugly bruise that’s never gonna fade even over time, because that’s just how the past is. No matter how hard you try to push it back, it’s gonna come back and haunt you again and again and again. You just can’t simply escape it. Jinyoung can’t ever escape his past.

But then he feels Daehwi’s hand in his, and when he turns to look at him, Daehwi’s giving him a reassuring smile, like he already knows what Jinyoung was feeling even without words.

“It’ll be fine. Everything’s gonna be fine,” Daehwi tells him, and that was all that Jinyoung needed.

His past is gonna try to pull him down probably every waking moment of his life, but the present, the _now_ here with Daehwi, and even the vague future that was still beyond them were enough to keep him from falling into a blackhole.

 

(Daehwi had slept beside him that night. He always does whenever he feels like Jinyoung was more troubled than usual. Everytime he does and whenever Jinyoung was already fast asleep, he checks his wrists and sighs in relief when he sees them untouched. This wasn’t the first time Jinyoung had attempted this, and Daehwi’s glad Jinyoung still values his life despite how hard it had been on him.

Daehwi makes sure that Jinyoung always feels like he’s valued and loved and treasured. Daehwi wants Jinyoung to know he doesn’t want him to leave him just like that, that he wants him to stay with him for a long, long time.)

 

❊

 

Jinyoung was aware that things were changing when he was sixteen.

He feels like he’s made out of paper, painted in hues of blue and purple.

That’s one way to creatively explain what he was feeling, lying on the cold concrete with a possible broken rib and a bruised jaw. He sits up slowly, his uniform shirt a bit ragged and torn on the cuffs, and the buttons had come undone. His palms sting as they scratch past a pebble as he tries to lift his hand up, but he lets it be.

He lets everything be.

 _A boy who likes boys is a dead boy, unless he keeps his mouth shut_ , a voice in his head says, along with words like _faggot,_ and _scum_ , and _murderer_ , and _monster_ that seem to echo in his head over and over. Words that seem to eat him from within, no matter how hard he tries to get them out of his system.

Everybody now looks at him, refers to him as that one boy who could’ve been great, if he hadn’t been the cause of all the misfortune that had befallen his family and is now apparently a scum to society all because he had accidentally confessed he prefers boys more than girls.

Jinyoung closes his eyes. He’s just tired of it. He’s tired of how he always has to be limited to the thoughts of other people, tired of how he just lets what the people think of him _define_ him.

He’s tired of it, but he can’t do anything about it, so he just lets it be instead.

“Jinyoung hyung?”

He opens his eyes and they land on Daehwi’s own, the boy crouched down beside him.

“Are you hurt? What happened to you?”

 _I told the class I was gay and they punched me in the face_ , Jinyoung thinks but he doesn’t say that. Instead, in a hoarse voice, he tells him, “I was told to clean up here as punishment for that fight I got caught up in the other day. I slipped.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying.”

“Jinyoung.”

It’s six in the evening. The sky is already coated with a deep blue blanket dotted with a thousand stars that seemed to have multiplied just for tonight, and Daehwi is kneeling here beside him under the moonlight, looking just so ethereal even when his face scrunches up with worry. Jinyoung thinks his big crush would spill out on its own by how he can’t seem to find it in him to look away.

Because Daehwi was just too beautiful, and Jinyoung likes boys, and Daehwi’s a beautiful boy, and Jinyoung only really has liked one boy in this lifetime.

Daehwi was the only boy Jinyoung had ever liked.

It’s the innocent, soft kind of like where a person just makes your heart beat just a tad bit louder and you’re afraid they might hear just how much they affect you with how you seem to stutter and just stare and your cheeks are burning red and you don’t know what to do about it.

Jinyoung doesn’t answer, so Daehwi takes that chance to pull up his shirt by its hem and before Jinyoung could even react with flustering, Daehwi gets to him first by saying, “There’s a big fat bruise staring right at me, and you’re telling me you’re not hurt?”

“I’ll be fine, Daehwi,” Jinyoung tries to breathe out.

Daehwi pulls down his shirt, and lies next to him, the moon and the stars above them and the city lights that spread out beneath like fireflies the only ones giving the rooftop light.

“Did you get into a fight again?” Daehwi asks him, eyes locked on the inky night sky.

Jinyoung closes his eyes, “Maybe.”

“You’re not gonna tell me what happened anyway, so I’m gonna stop asking now,” Daehwi sighs, “But seriously, stop getting yourself into unnecessary trouble. You keep making me worried.”

“I didn’t ask you to worry about me.”

“You don’t have to. I care about you enough to worry about you on my own.”

Jinyoung isn’t sure if he’s still breathing. Daehwi always has this kind of effect on him. Words as simple as these and little actions such as his hand brushing past his own were enough to send sparks down his system.

While the whole world makes him feel dead inside, Daehwi makes Jinyoung feel vibrantly alive.

“What did you want to tell me?” Jinyoung croaks out, trying to stir off the conversation, just so Daehwi won’t notice how flushed his face had gotten. “You said it was something important.”

Daehwi takes a deep breath, and Jinyoung notices his hesitation.

“I wanted to ask your opinion on something.”

“I thought you didn’t need my opinion on anything,” Jinyoung jokes to lighten up the tension.

“Opinion on fashion. I meant fashion! Your entire wardrobe is a travesty. Don’t get me started on those ugly hats—“

“Okay, okay,” Jinyoung laughs. “Enough about my taste in clothes. You were saying?”

“Oh, right. So, uh…what do you think of,” Daehwi gulps, “…boys kissing boys.”

“What.”

“I said it already! I’m not saying it again!” Daehwi looks away, and Jinyoung catches the red glow of the tips of his ears.

“Boys kissing boys…I’m cool with it,” Jinyoung answers nonchalantly.

“Really?” Daehwi turns to him in surprise.

“You’re seriously asking a gay dude this question?” Jinyoung tries to joke, but he knows he’s taking a risk.

Daehwi never said he likes boys too. He never said anything about boys liking boys too. What if he isn’t okay with it? What if he was here to tell Jinyoung he saw two boys kissing and that he wasn’t okay with it? What if he wasn’t okay with Jinyoung liking boys? What if he never talks to Jinyoung ever again after this?

It’s a risk, but Jinyoung had already taken it. He had left himself open to him.

Daehwi continues to stare, not saying anything. The silence stretches between them, and when Jinyoung feels like he could no longer bear with it, he asks him, “What brought that question on?”

“I saw Jihoon hyung kiss Daniel hyung.”

“Jihoon always kisses Daniel hyung on the cheek.”

“No, not on the cheek. Here!” Daehwi points at his lips, and Jinyoung has to will himself not to look at them longer than necessary. “I saw them earlier.”

It honestly doesn’t surprise Jinyoung. He knows about Jihoon liking Daniel, and with how Daniel is around him, Jinyoung is sure he also feels the same way.

“What do you think about it then?” Jinyoung asks him this time, eyes not leaving Daehwi’s who is also staring back at him. “Of Jihoon kissing Daniel? Of two boys who like each other kissing?”

“I’m honestly happy for them,” Daehwi says, “I’m glad they have each other.”

“But this isn’t the only thing you wanted to tell me, right?”

“No…”

“Of course.”

“Jinyoung hyung,” Daehwi calls out, barely audible like he’s afraid to ask, “have you had your first kiss yet?”

 _No._ “Yes,” he lies and Jinyoung doesn’t even know why he did it.

“Oh, okay, because I didn’t wanna ask you this if you haven’t had it yet since a first kiss should be special and I don’t wanna ruin that for you and—“

“Daehwi, breathe,” Jinyoung reminds him and he lets out a deep breath. “Why’d you ask?”

“Because,” a momentary pause before Daehwi tilts his head to the side, like he’s afraid to look at him in the eye. “I wanted to ask you to kiss me because I wanted to know if I would like it.”

Jinyoung’s head blanks out completely.

“I’m not gonna force you if you don’t want to, okay! You can say no if you don’t want to! I just wanted to know what it’s like—“

“To kiss a boy,” Jinyoung continues.

“To kiss anybody,” Daehwi says. “Because I want my first real kiss to be magical and I don’t want to fuck it up. Who knows, I might not actually be a good kisser and they won’t ever talk to me again afterwards.”

“First real kiss?” Jinyoung couldn’t help but repeat.

Daehwi purses his lips together, “If you agree, I won’t count it as my first kiss, okay? This is like a trial test, and not the real thing. No feelings attached.”

“Oh,” Jinyoung takes in a deep breath. “Okay.”

“What?”

Daehwi stares at him wide-eyed, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, but Jinyoung’s just as in disbelief too. Because here was the boy who he had like for almost half of his life asking him if it was okay to kiss him, _him_ out of everyone else that he could’ve asked.

Even when he told him this wouldn’t count. Even when Daehwi said this kiss wouldn’t matter.

“I’m okay with it,” Jinyoung repeats slowly. “No feelings attached right?” he asks again even when he knows he will have every pint of feelings he has for Lee Daehwi spilling all over like a dam.

“Yeah. No feelings.”

“Okay.”

Jinyoung sits up, and Daehwi does too. They don’t say anything for a while, only the honking of the cars on the busy streets, the strong gush of wind and the deafening silence engulfing them.

Then Jinyoung’s turning towards Daehwi, and he does the same too. Jinyoung is leaning in. His mind is blanking out, and his hands are clammy as fuck, but he’s leaning in and Daehwi’s lips are just an inch away from his and he’s having a hard time breathing that he feels like he’s gonna pass out soon.

But Daehwi whispers softly, “Do it.”

So Jinyoung does. He leans in and his lips are now on Daehwi’s, soft and sweet and everything Jinyoung had imagined them to be. He’s kissing him, and Jinyoung feels like he’s slowly losing air but he can feel Daehwi stiffen. Jinyoung thinks that that was it, Daehwi doesn’t like it, but he feels his hand search for Jinyoung’s own, and now he’s intertwining their fingers together just when Jinyoung opens his eyes and sees that Daehwi’s had been closed this entire time.

And then Daehwi’s kissing him back and pulling him closer. Jinyoung tries to stop the corners of his lips from curling up.

He’s the first to break away, breathing heavily. Daehwi looks at him with an expression he can’t quite pinpoint, but Jinyoung catches the way his cheeks are flushed pink and how he’s biting down on his lower lip.

“Can we do that again?”

 

(Daehwi doesn’t talk about the kiss after that night. He doesn’t talk to Jinyoung for a good few days, until he comes up to him one day and tells him about that one cute guy in his class that he seems to have a crush on. Jinyoung tries to just laugh it off and tease him about it, like what a friend would do. But Jinyoung has been tossing and turning in his sleep every night since then, because he can’t stop thinking of Daehwi’s lips on his and how everything that night just felt so right.

Jinyoung doesn’t talk to him about the kiss either. He also doesn’t talk to him about his classmates ganging up on him every after class, and beating him up behind the school, because a boy who likes boys is a dead boy. Jinyoung tries to accept that that’s just how it is. Because Jinyoung likes Daehwi, and he won’t ever deny that.)

 

❊

 

Jinyoung realizes just how much Daehwi really means to him now that he’s eighteen.

“Ouch,” Jinyoung hisses, but Daehwi just rolls his eyes and presses the cotton on the ugly cut by the corner of his lips even harder.

“Yeah, relish the pain. It’s what you deserve,” Daehwi shoots back as he leans forward to put a bandaid on Jinyoung’s wound. “Seriously, why do you keep getting hurt? You clean a fucking gym for a living. Why do you always look like someone mugged you while you were scrubbing off the toilets.”

Jisung had told him that they had gotten into a fight while playing billiards, and it went overboard considering Jihoon’s hand was already in a cast when Daehwi came to the gym and Daniel’s older brother, Seongwoo, was still being held in jail for something he was mistakenly accused of.

“We didn’t start it, okay?” Jinyoung pouts while pressing an icebag on his swollen cheek, his words slightly muffled. “They were being assholes.”

“You can’t even throw an uppercut right, for fuck’s sake,” Daehwi reprimands while wrapping his hand with dressing. “Why do you keep on meddling?”

“Well, I couldn’t just _watch_ them,” Jinyoung reasons.

Daehwi sighs as he closes the first aid kit that he had brought along with him. “I’m not gonna tell you to stop fighting since you still won’t listen to me, and you’re friends with Jihoon too, so there’s that.”

“It’s not like I keep getting into fights often—“

“You were caught up in a fight just three days ago, and a few days before that too, for God knows what reason. What do you mean it ain’t often?”

If it was anyone else, Jinyoung would be mad right now. It’s not like he chose to get pulled into a fight he really doesn’t even wanna be in. He has learned through years of experience that there will always be people that won’t be able to let go, people who will call you names that aren’t yours and people who will look at you like they want you dead. They would always lead him into a matter that can only be resolved through fists. When people throw the first punch, Jinyoung always punches them right back.

But the one nagging him now was Daehwi, and Jinyoung just can’t stop thinking about how cute he is whenever he’s mad at him like this. The adorable way his forehead creases and the pout that even he doesn’t seem to notice he’s been making—Jinyoung just want to kiss the heck out of him.

But Jinyoung is afraid of his own feelings, and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever have the guts to tell him.

Because Jinyoung knows himself that he is a mess, and Daehwi’s too beautiful for his own good that Jinyoung doesn’t think he isn’t good enough for him.

“Jinyoung hyung, are you even listening?” Daehwi snaps his fingers in front of him.

Jinyoung blinks at him, “Oh, uh, I’m sorry.”

“You keep on zoning out. You’re worrying me,” Daehwi tells him. “I said I’m going to the convenience store to buy more ice. Do you need anything?”

“Money.”

“I should’ve known not to ask you,” Daehwi rolls his eyes. He turns to the rest who were busy mending their own wounds and asks them instead, the group enthusiastically with different names of snacks. Daehwi shifts his gaze back to Jinyoung, “I’ll be back soon. Keep that icebag on your face ‘til I’m back.”

“I’ll go with you—“

“Uh, no. You stay here. Knowing you, you’ll most likely fight anyone outside that annoys you,” Daehwi frowns. “Don’t worry. I won’t take long. The convenience store is just a block away.”

“Hurry, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be back,” Daehwi smiles at him.

 

But it’s been almost an hour and there was still no sign of Daehwi anywhere.

“Jinyoung,” Woojin calls out worriedly. The rest turn to him with the same expression. “It’s late. I think we should start look—“

“Fuck,” Jinyoung exhales angrily, and grabs a coat before hurriedly dashing outside, before the rest could even ask him to wait for them too.

It’s almost two in the morning, and the streets are already quiet at this time of the night, which makes it even worse. All Jinyoung is seeing now is red. Daehwi wasn’t the type to not tell them, _him_ , he would be out for this long, so Jinyoung’s sure something has gone terribly wrong.

He searches through every alleyway near the convenience store, and feels like punching a brick wall everytime he doesn’t come across a trace of Daehwi.

Daehwi was nowhere to be seen, and Jinyoung feels like blaming himself now. He shouldn’t have let him go out on his own. He shouldn’t have listened to Daehwi this time.

A familiar wave of fear courses through him, and he finds himself shaking. He can’t  risk losing anybody else. He can’t risk losing more of the people he loves.

He can’t lose Daehwi. He can’t lose the only person that was still keeping him rooted on the ground. Without Daehwi, Jinyoung knows the blackhole inside him would open up even more. He would break, and crumble, and everything else would no longer hold any meaning. He’s become this dependent on Daehwi, that it frightens and amazes him at the same time.

Without Daehwi, Jinyoung would be lost.

The next alley is darker than the rest. Jinyoung doesn’t sense any movement, so he was about to just run past it but then he hears the sound of garbage cans toppling down and a scream.

_“Jinyoung hyung!”_

_“Shut up, you piece of shit,”_ Jinyoung hears afterwards and the sound of a punch and a body falling into the ground follows.

Before he could even brace himself, Jinyoung’s already running towards the sound, fist immediately colliding onto flesh. The broken streetlight gives them a bit of illumination, but it was enough for Jinyoung to see the man spitting blood onto the concrete and Daehwi slowly trying to get back up but is struggling. Jinyoung quickly moves towards him.

“What the fuck happened?” he asks him, both hands cupping Daehwi’s face. He sees the cut by his lip and the bruises near his eyes, and all Jinyoung feels right now is rage and anger because how dare they lay their filthy hands on Daehwi.

“That guy…he tried to mug me and I stupidly fought back,” Daehwi says before hissing in pain as he grips onto his side. Jinyoung’s sure he had broken a rib, the man had clearly hit him a lot considering just how bruised and beaten Daehwi looks even with the dim lighting.

Jinyoung hears the asshole cursing and slowly trying to get back up on his feet. He immediately turns to Daehwi. “Can you stand up? Can you run away from here as far as you can?”

Daehwi shakes his head, “I can’t move my leg. I twisted my ankle earlier, and I can’t just leave you here.”

“What the _fuck_ is this? Are you playing Romeo and Juliet in front of my face now?” The robber points a finger on Jinyoung as he steps forward, towards him slowly, teeth filled with blood. “Is this your fucking boyfriend? You fucking _faggots_ disgust me. Listen kid, if you don’t want to die, I suggest you—“

Jinyoung throws a punch square on the man’s face, one after another until the man fall onto the ground and Jinyoung only stops when he finds him unconscious.

He knows he had overdone it, the man’s blood covering his fists a proof of that.

_So this is the kind of monster I would’ve been if I hadn’t met Daehwi._

Jinyoung turns to him, and Daehwi’s looking at him wide-eyed. He smiles sadly at him. He had done it. Daehwi, too, was now looking at him like the beast that he really is. He was scared of him now and it was all Jinyoung’s fault. He can’t even blame the fucking asshole that had fainted on the concrete alleyway, because it was entirely his doing.

But it catches him off-guard when Daehwi suddenly tears up and says, “You fucking idiot, what if he had pulled out that knife on you? I couldn’t fight him earlier because he was holding a knife against me. What if he had the chance to stab you with that? What the fuck was I supposed to do if you had died then?”

Daehwi was sobbing hard now, and Jinyoung immediately crouches down to wipe his tears. “I’m alright, Hwi. I’m not hurt, please stop crying.”

“You keep making me worried,” Daehwi tries to say, his voice broken.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Jinyoung whispers. He places a hand on the side of Daehwi’s face, a purple mark spreading like a painting. “Does it still hurt?”

“Like a bitch.”

Jinyoung chuckles, despite the situation. Still crouching,  he turns his back on him. “Hop on. I’ll carry you home.”

“But your back…didn’t you hit it bad when you were fighting by that billiard place. Jihoon told me.”

“I’ll be fine,” Jinyoung insists. “It doesn’t hurt that much now. Come on, you can’t walk and I won’t let you walk in this condition.”

“….okay,” Daehwi replies before climbing on to Jinyoung’s back, arms wrapped on his shoulder. “Aren’t I heavy?”

Jinyoung walks out of the dark alley, “Light as a feather, don’t worry.”

 

It’s probably three in the morning now. Jinyoung has lost track of time. The sky is still an inky canvas, and a few stars still dot it. They were still a few meters away from the gym.

Daehwi buries his face on the width of Jinyoung’s back, “I’m sorry for making you worried.”

“Guess we’re even now,” Jinyoung simply says. “I’m sorry for always causing trouble too.”

“You wouldn’t be the Jinyoung hyung I know if you weren’t a troublemaker,” Jinyoung can hear the smile in Daehwi’s words. He finds himself smiling too.

“This is déjà vu,” Jinyoung says as he looks up onto the sky. It looks like the same night sky he had seen on his first stay in the church’s orphanage. On the night he first met Daehwi, eight years ago.

Daehwi closes his eyes and leans on Jinyoung’s back, “Yeah, you carried me back inside like this too, because I tripped and scraped my knee when we were playing.”

“Yeah,” Jinyoung says back in a whisper.

“Jinyoung hyung,” Daehwi calls, and he answers with a hum, “I’m not scared of you. I could never be afraid of you, so don’t ever think about that even for a moment.”

Jinyoung can’t help the soft smile making its way on his lips. Daehwi always knows what’s bothering him even without him saying it.

“Thank you, Daehwi.”

“And don’t listen to them. You’re not a monster,” Daehwi continues. “You’re Bae Jinyoung. You’re this beautiful person with a beautiful heart, who’s always there to listen to anything I say and is always there to protect me even without me asking. You're always there for me when I need you.”

_I’m not. That's you—_

“You’re a good person, hyung, and you mean a lot to me. You're worth every night of waiting up late for you to come home just to mend your wounds. You're worth drop of worry I had spent over you. You're worth everything, Jinyoung hyung. I hope you always keep that in mind.”

It’s this side of him that had Jinyoung wrapped around his finger.  Jinyoung was nothing but a wreck, but somehow, Daehwi still finds something good in him, something worth appreciating. Something worth loving.

It's now that Jinyoung’s eighteen that he realizes that he’s in love with Daehwi. He probably has been all these years, and that he’ll probably never love anyone more than he loves him.

Because Daehwi had been there when he had wanted to just spiral down the void, down an empty abyss like a rogue planet looking for a star to call his home. Because Daehwi had become his star, his _home_.

Daehwi saved him even without him knowing.

 

"Daehwi," Jinyoung calls out softly. The air is cold and thick, but Jinyoung feels warms inside.

"What is it?"

"I,"  _love you, more than you'll ever know_ , Jinyoung thinks but those words get caught up on his throat. Instead, he tells him, "I'm glad to have met you."

"I'm glad I met you too."

 

(The demons around him and the ones living inside him haven’t disappeared. Jinyoung thinks they won’t go away anytime soon, but he finds it in him more and more each day the will to drown them one by one, and maybe one day that time will come when he would look at the mirror and not see a beast in his reflection. Maybe one day the time will come when he feels that everything is truly alright.

And maybe one day, the time will come he could tell Daehwi how much he loves him, but Jinyoung thinks for now, he's contented with just this. He should learn how to love himself first before anything else, and maybe then and maybe when he's got himself a good-paying job and he had stop picking fights and have something he can truly be proud of, he could finally say the words he's been holding back all these years.)

**Author's Note:**

> come attack me at twitter @jinhwi_twt or leave comments here. i accept any forms of criticism lmao


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